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Many parents worry about the consequences for children after a divorce because they understand that such a situation involves a massive upheaval for all involved. Divorce is not necessarily the issue for children, it is more the uncertainty that follows.
For some children there is the devastation of the realisation that their parents just don’t love each other anymore, and suddenly they find themselves torn between two houses. Life changes significantly and this can create a challenge for the children and the adults who care for them.
Some consequences for children after a divorce will depend on the age of the child. On the one hand a younger child may adapt more quickly, however divorce can mean the child becomes more dependent and needs more reassurance. An older child may become more independent more quickly, and sometimes may have anger issues to one or both parents, and these can manifest themselves in a number of different behaviours. A young child may become more regressive and an older child more aggressive, although actually you may find the reverse to be true with your own child. It depends on the individual.
Theoretically you can understand why these behaviours occur. Young children are dependent on their parents, and their family is their world, so a young child may have their foundations badly shaken, and feel insecure and unsure about this new world. An older child is more reliant on their friends anyway, and has begun moving in the wider world, so divorce can accelerate their desire for independence and, in some cases, escape from the home situation.
In either case, the child will suddenly find themselves being transported between one parent and the other. The family unit has been split. It is now unfamiliar and unstable. The child can access one parent or the other, never both at the same time. An older child may adjust more quickly to this situation, but a young child may well desire that both come together again and take longer to accept what has happened.
Any child may well fear the future. The environment that was once so sacrosanct for them has disappeared and they may well find life more frightening than before and worry that other ‘bad’ things will happen to them. A young child may become clingier, start to wet the bed, cry, have tantrums or whine a lot. They may suddenly forget how to care for themselves – washing, grooming, brushing teeth etc. This behaviour is attention seeking, designed to reassure the child that s/he is still loved.
The older child, more independent, may become more rebellious – in terms of discipline, dress etc. They may become sexually active younger than expected, they may have self-esteem issues. They may become distant and defiant and self-interested, because at a deep level, they believe that they need to look after themselves now. In return the parent may offer them increased responsibility within the family and the accountability that goes with that.
For parents, the immediate aftermath of a divorce necessitates three things that will restore their offspring’s trust: Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance. The child needs to know what to expect, and feel loved. Adjustment can take a couple of years, and this time frame will be extended if they are blended into a new family.
It is not all doom and gloom however. Research in the USA has shown that some children feel relief when their parents separate, as the family situation is tough when there is a great deal of angst and acrimony. Waiting until the children are older is not necessarily a wise decision, because children know when there is little love lost between their parents, and many children are more than happy to see both parents thrive after a divorce. Seeing happiness after a divorce, no matter where it blooms, will gladden any heart, eventually.
Created by Tom Vermeersch (bio)
Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.
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Many parents worry about the consequences for children after a divorce because they understand that such a situation involves a massive upheaval for all involved. Divorce is not necessarily the issue for children, it is more the uncertainty that follows.
For some children there is the devastation of the realisation that their parents just don’t love each other anymore, and suddenly they find themselves torn between two houses. Life changes significantly and this can create a challenge for the children and the adults who care for them.
Some consequences for children after a divorce will depend on the age of the child. On the one hand a younger child may adapt more quickly, however divorce can mean the child becomes more dependent and needs more reassurance. An older child may become more independent more quickly, and sometimes may have anger issues to one or both parents, and these can manifest themselves in a number of different behaviours. A young child may become more regressive and an older child more aggressive, although actually you may find the reverse to be true with your own child. It depends on the individual.
Theoretically you can understand why these behaviours occur. Young children are dependent on their parents, and their family is their world, so a young child may have their foundations badly shaken, and feel insecure and unsure about this new world. An older child is more reliant on their friends anyway, and has begun moving in the wider world, so divorce can accelerate their desire for independence and, in some cases, escape from the home situation.
In either case, the child will suddenly find themselves being transported between one parent and the other. The family unit has been split. It is now unfamiliar and unstable. The child can access one parent or the other, never both at the same time. An older child may adjust more quickly to this situation, but a young child may well desire that both come together again and take longer to accept what has happened.
Any child may well fear the future. The environment that was once so sacrosanct for them has disappeared and they may well find life more frightening than before and worry that other ‘bad’ things will happen to them. A young child may become clingier, start to wet the bed, cry, have tantrums or whine a lot. They may suddenly forget how to care for themselves – washing, grooming, brushing teeth etc. This behaviour is attention seeking, designed to reassure the child that s/he is still loved.
The older child, more independent, may become more rebellious – in terms of discipline, dress etc. They may become sexually active younger than expected, they may have self-esteem issues. They may become distant and defiant and self-interested, because at a deep level, they believe that they need to look after themselves now. In return the parent may offer them increased responsibility within the family and the accountability that goes with that.
For parents, the immediate aftermath of a divorce necessitates three things that will restore their offspring’s trust: Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance. The child needs to know what to expect, and feel loved. Adjustment can take a couple of years, and this time frame will be extended if they are blended into a new family.
It is not all doom and gloom however. Research in the USA has shown that some children feel relief when their parents separate, as the family situation is tough when there is a great deal of angst and acrimony. Waiting until the children are older is not necessarily a wise decision, because children know when there is little love lost between their parents, and many children are more than happy to see both parents thrive after a divorce. Seeing happiness after a divorce, no matter where it blooms, will gladden any heart, eventually.
Going back to school during a pandemic is a new experience for everyone, and it's understandable if children are feeling anxious about it. We take a look at some of the issues and how you can help your child to get ready for returning to the classroom.
Millions of people furloughed for months are now being recalled to work. Others, who have been working from home throughout the lockdown, are returning to the office. And some jobs have simply disappeared: many people are facing redundancy and will soon have to cope with job hunting. Going back to work after an unprecedented length of time at home is quite a challenge.
Learn how to recognise the signs of stress and avoid slipping into a burnout or a bore-out
Do you sometimes feel your achievements are not the result of your hard work and skill but are just luck? And do you fear that one day, someone will reveal you as an imposter or fraud? You might have imposter syndrome!
People always think: that’s just me. I'm not good at 'X', that is just my character. Here are some reasons why it's never too late to change.
Read the complete article
Being happy is something everybody strives for, but unfortunately there are a lot of people who go through life unhappily. A lot of people take life how it is.
Read the complete article
Facing the loss of a family member or close friend is probably one of the most difficult challenges that life throws at us. When we've lost a partner, parent, brother or sister, we're likely to experience intense grief.
You see the word "toxic" everywhere these days, but what does it really mean? You've almost certainly come across someone who fits the description. Dealing with difficult personalities can be challenging and emotionally exhausting, to say the least.
Do you suffer from a disorder known as "musturbation"? This term was first coined in the 1950s by psychotherapist Albert Ellis and described the way a negative inner voice rules our minds and bludgeons us with words such as "must", "should", and "ought".
There's so much contradictory health advice out there, it gets confusing. One year, butter is said to be bad for you, and margarine is better. The following year, it's the other way around. One article says running causes strain on your joints; another says it's good for you because it increases bone strength.
Bach Flowers are not medicinal but harmless plant extracts which are used to support health.
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