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Many parents worry about the consequences for children after a divorce because they understand that such a situation involves a massive upheaval for all involved. Divorce is not necessarily the issue for children, it is more the uncertainty that follows.
For some children there is the devastation of the realisation that their parents just don’t love each other anymore, and suddenly they find themselves torn between two houses. Life changes significantly and this can create a challenge for the children and the adults who care for them.
Some consequences for children after a divorce will depend on the age of the child. On the one hand a younger child may adapt more quickly, however divorce can mean the child becomes more dependent and needs more reassurance. An older child may become more independent more quickly, and sometimes may have anger issues to one or both parents, and these can manifest themselves in a number of different behaviours. A young child may become more regressive and an older child more aggressive, although actually you may find the reverse to be true with your own child. It depends on the individual.
Theoretically you can understand why these behaviours occur. Young children are dependent on their parents, and their family is their world, so a young child may have their foundations badly shaken, and feel insecure and unsure about this new world. An older child is more reliant on their friends anyway, and has begun moving in the wider world, so divorce can accelerate their desire for independence and, in some cases, escape from the home situation.
In either case, the child will suddenly find themselves being transported between one parent and the other. The family unit has been split. It is now unfamiliar and unstable. The child can access one parent or the other, never both at the same time. An older child may adjust more quickly to this situation, but a young child may well desire that both come together again and take longer to accept what has happened.
Any child may well fear the future. The environment that was once so sacrosanct for them has disappeared and they may well find life more frightening than before and worry that other ‘bad’ things will happen to them. A young child may become clingier, start to wet the bed, cry, have tantrums or whine a lot. They may suddenly forget how to care for themselves – washing, grooming, brushing teeth etc. This behaviour is attention seeking, designed to reassure the child that s/he is still loved.
The older child, more independent, may become more rebellious – in terms of discipline, dress etc. They may become sexually active younger than expected, they may have self-esteem issues. They may become distant and defiant and self-interested, because at a deep level, they believe that they need to look after themselves now. In return the parent may offer them increased responsibility within the family and the accountability that goes with that.
For parents, the immediate aftermath of a divorce necessitates three things that will restore their offspring’s trust: Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance. The child needs to know what to expect, and feel loved. Adjustment can take a couple of years, and this time frame will be extended if they are blended into a new family.
It is not all doom and gloom however. Research in the USA has shown that some children feel relief when their parents separate, as the family situation is tough when there is a great deal of angst and acrimony. Waiting until the children are older is not necessarily a wise decision, because children know when there is little love lost between their parents, and many children are more than happy to see both parents thrive after a divorce. Seeing happiness after a divorce, no matter where it blooms, will gladden any heart, eventually.
Created by Tom Vermeersch (bio)
Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.
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Many parents worry about the consequences for children after a divorce because they understand that such a situation involves a massive upheaval for all involved. Divorce is not necessarily the issue for children, it is more the uncertainty that follows.
For some children there is the devastation of the realisation that their parents just don’t love each other anymore, and suddenly they find themselves torn between two houses. Life changes significantly and this can create a challenge for the children and the adults who care for them.
Some consequences for children after a divorce will depend on the age of the child. On the one hand a younger child may adapt more quickly, however divorce can mean the child becomes more dependent and needs more reassurance. An older child may become more independent more quickly, and sometimes may have anger issues to one or both parents, and these can manifest themselves in a number of different behaviours. A young child may become more regressive and an older child more aggressive, although actually you may find the reverse to be true with your own child. It depends on the individual.
Theoretically you can understand why these behaviours occur. Young children are dependent on their parents, and their family is their world, so a young child may have their foundations badly shaken, and feel insecure and unsure about this new world. An older child is more reliant on their friends anyway, and has begun moving in the wider world, so divorce can accelerate their desire for independence and, in some cases, escape from the home situation.
In either case, the child will suddenly find themselves being transported between one parent and the other. The family unit has been split. It is now unfamiliar and unstable. The child can access one parent or the other, never both at the same time. An older child may adjust more quickly to this situation, but a young child may well desire that both come together again and take longer to accept what has happened.
Any child may well fear the future. The environment that was once so sacrosanct for them has disappeared and they may well find life more frightening than before and worry that other ‘bad’ things will happen to them. A young child may become clingier, start to wet the bed, cry, have tantrums or whine a lot. They may suddenly forget how to care for themselves – washing, grooming, brushing teeth etc. This behaviour is attention seeking, designed to reassure the child that s/he is still loved.
The older child, more independent, may become more rebellious – in terms of discipline, dress etc. They may become sexually active younger than expected, they may have self-esteem issues. They may become distant and defiant and self-interested, because at a deep level, they believe that they need to look after themselves now. In return the parent may offer them increased responsibility within the family and the accountability that goes with that.
For parents, the immediate aftermath of a divorce necessitates three things that will restore their offspring’s trust: Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance. The child needs to know what to expect, and feel loved. Adjustment can take a couple of years, and this time frame will be extended if they are blended into a new family.
It is not all doom and gloom however. Research in the USA has shown that some children feel relief when their parents separate, as the family situation is tough when there is a great deal of angst and acrimony. Waiting until the children are older is not necessarily a wise decision, because children know when there is little love lost between their parents, and many children are more than happy to see both parents thrive after a divorce. Seeing happiness after a divorce, no matter where it blooms, will gladden any heart, eventually.
Why do you feel butterflies at the start of a new romance, and how can you keep the flame burning in a long term relationship as the spark starts to fade?
Read the complete article
After 25 years in the Bach flower world, we asked ourselves, is now the right time for our own new name? Not only have we grown, but so have you, along with the confidence you have in us. That's why we want to connect ourselves to our own name. That name is Mariepure.
Sexual desire is a complex interaction of hormones, emotions and well-being. When your partner is not as interested in sex as you are, it’s rarely a rejection of you as a person. So it’s essential to be as empathetic as you can regarding your differing libidos.
Stress can be both good and bad; it’s up to you how you look at it. But too much stress can be dangerous. Read more about stress in this article!
Read the complete article
Children's imaginations know no limits and their dreams are a mix of hopes and fantasies, the real and the magical, the impossible and the achievable.
Do you expect more from others than they are prepared to give? Signs that you may be asking too much - and how to break the pattern.
Have you ever noticed that some people are instantly likeable? Many people believe that people will only like you because of natural traits you're born with: good looks, talent and sociability. But this is a misconception. Getting people to like you is within your control, and it's all to do with self-belief, knowing yourself and being emotionally intelligent. Here's what to do to be more likeable.
While you often hear people joking that they have OCD because they like to keep their house clean and tidy, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be a distressing and debilitating mental health condition with a wide range of symptoms.
Can we learn from our mistakes and develop a stronger, healthier emotional bondwith our kids? To help you identify your weak spots, we’ve rounded up some of the most common mistakes parents make.
Headaches can be a real nuisance, especially if you get them frequently. Luckily, there are many natural ways to prevent and relieve headaches without needing to reach for over the counter medication.
Bach Flowers are not medicinal but harmless plant extracts which are used to support health.
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