32 tips to be more assertive

Do you consider yourself to be assertive or would you like to improve your assertiveness skills? Don’t be fooled into thinking that loud and brash is assertive, because it isn’t.

Assertiveness means bringing a balance between vocalising your own needs through good communication, while taking into account the needs of others.

It is not easy to be assertive, particularly if you are naturally introverted, however you can learn some useful skills. Here are our 32 tips to be more assertive.

1. Recognise who you are and examine the good and bad aspects of your personality. When you know your own value, it is easier to use this as a basis for self-confidence. Assertiveness will build on the self-confidence.
   
   
2. Understand that in order to fulfil your full potential, your needs must be met. You must see to this yourself.
   
   
3. Protect your own rights.
   
   
4. Recognise the value in other people. Understand what their skills are and what they bring to the table. This makes it easier for you to see when to allow someone else to ‘win’, or will help you find the common ground between you that you can both work with.
   
   
5. Respect the rights of others.
   
   
6. Don’t just focus on problems – try and find the solutions.
   
   
7. Do the things you can do. Ask for help with the things you can’t. Watch and learn. Thank people for their assistance. Try it yourself next time. Ask for feedback.
   
   
8. Empathise with others, but be fair on yourself.
   
   
9. Understand that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Just as you treat others the same way.
   
   
10. Stop apologizing. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry”, try saying, “Thank you for your patience.” Show your value, in a dignified way.
    
    
11. Don't leave it to someone else to figure out what you need.
    
    
12. Don’t accept responsibility for the poor behaviour of others. Don’t beat yourself up about what people say or do to you.
    
    
13. If people react badly when you practice being assertive – by behaving resentfully or becoming angry – remember that this is down to them. They control their reactions. You should only respond with dignity, do not return their negativity. You control yourself, not others.
    
    
14. You can be negative, or disagree, just try and do so in a healthy and positive way. “I didn’t enjoy that, but it was a useful experience.”
    
    
15. You can be angry, but always be respectful.
    
    
16. Speak your mind, but protect other people’s feelings.
    
    
17. Control your emotions. This can be easier said and done if you are stressed, sad, angry or frustrated.
    
    
18. Accept compliments graciously. Accept criticism with the same positivity.
    
    
19. Understand that it is perfectly OK for you, or someone else, to make a mistake.
    
    
20. Learn to say "No" when you need to.
    
    
21. Know your limits. Set your boundaries.
    
    
22. Suggest alternatives.
    
    
23. If you find yourself in a hostile situation, back away from it, or take time out.
    
    
24. If you disagree with someone, try saying something like, “I understand your opinion but I do not agree.”
    
    
25. Remember, there is a difference between making a point and making someone agree with you.
    
    
26. If assertiveness is a real issue for you, start small. Work up to tougher situations.
    
    
27. Don’t feel guilty. Being assertive can be tough — especially if you’ve been passive most of your life.
    
    
28. Practice deep breathing to control the fear, worries and anxiety you have about expressing a different opinion or asking for what you want.
    
    
29. Be specific about any complaint you have and cite concrete examples. Try to eliminate emotion and ‘feelings’.
    
    
30. Ask for more time if you need it.
    
    
31. Eliminate unassertive words if you catch yourself using them, such as “I’ll try” or “I’m just” etc.
    
    
32. Keep practicing. It takes time to undo your lack of assertiveness.

Remember, when you are assertive, you ask for what you want but you don't necessarily expect to get it. You are therefore open to negotiation. Taking what you want, demanding what you want, without regard for others, is aggressive behaviour. Sorting an amicable solution, is a graceful response.

Good luck!

Other articles

Are you resilient enough? Take our quiz!

Do you have enough resilience to face the world out there? Take our quiz to find out how resilient you are and find tips on how to build your mental resilience.

Why a life without stress and obstacles is unrewarding

Stress can be both good and bad; it’s up to you how you look at it. But too much stress can be dangerous. Read more about stress in this article!

Find out if you're suffering from imposter syndrome

Do you sometimes feel your achievements are not the result of your hard work and skill but are just luck? And do you fear that one day, someone will reveal you as an imposter or fraud? You might have imposter syndrome!

Are things moving too fast for you?

If you're worried that the world is changing too fast, you're not alone: technology is constantly developing, and it can be challenging to keep up with all the changes. As a result, many people - not just the older generations - feel anxious that they might get left behind.

Do you expect too much from others?

Do you expect more from others than they are prepared to give? Signs that you may be asking too much - and how to break the pattern.

Isn't depression just a fancy word for feeling a bit down?

Mental health issues such as depression and anxiety affect around 1 in 6 people at some stage of their life. Despite it being such a common problem, many sufferers wait months or even years before seeking help.

20 natural ways to prevent and relieve headaches

Headaches can be a real nuisance, especially if you get them frequently. Luckily, there are many natural ways to prevent and relieve headaches without needing to reach for over the counter medication.

I don't want to!

Motivation can be somewhat elusive - some days, you just can't seem to make yourself do the stuff you don't want to. But putting things off just leads to stress, frustration and a sense of guilt.

What makes it so hard to go back to work?

Millions of people furloughed for months are now being recalled to work. Others, who have been working from home throughout the lockdown, are returning to the office. And some jobs have simply disappeared: many people are facing redundancy and will soon have to cope with job hunting. Going back to work after an unprecedented length of time at home is quite a challenge.

Have you considered yoga? The advantages of practicing yoga

Have you considered yoga? There are many advantages to practicing yoga. It is a holistic practice benefitting you physically, emotionally & mentally.