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With the rise in divorce rates over the past few decades, it is no surprise that the number of blended families has increased too. Blended families are formed when two people who have children from a previous relationship come together in the same household.
There can be a great number of challenges to finding happiness for all the individuals involved, given the differing expectations in terms of rules, boundaries and cultural and social norms. So how can you ensure you find happiness in your blended family?
If you have yet to make the jump into a reconstituted family, give it some serious consideration. If you have already gone for it, take a moment to acknowledge the challenges ahead. You want everyone to get on as well as you and your partner do, of course you do, but you have chosen each other, and the children have not. Everyone will have very different expectations, and somehow you have to tread a fine line and negotiate a path that everyone is happy to travel. You and your partner need to unite, and come together to provide fair but firm leadership, but at the same time you must ensure you stick up for your children in the process.
Everyone in the family will need to pull their weight to ensure that the situation works. It is worth coming together as a family to discuss a plan of action. Consider the following, for example:
Blending a family is stressful, there is no doubt about that. You are handing some control over to someone who doesn’t know your kids as well as you do, and possibly doesn’t even like them much, let alone love them. Growing relationships take time and need to be nurtured. Given the sensitive nature of the situation, tempers will fray, but remember that arguing will get you nowhere.
If you are arguing a great deal, agree to stop. Set a time, perhaps in a café or somewhere a little more public and take time to relax and discuss things calmly and rationally. If there is too much to discuss, set up a series of discussions and just address one or two issues at each ‘meeting’. Try to avoid arguing in front of your step-children. The way you behave with your partner in front of the kids is a signpost for them. If you fall out and they don’t see you make up, they don’t know you have. They will side with their parent and you will lose out.
Be honest with your partner. What do you need? What do your children need? What is non-negotiable? Listen to your partner’s needs too. And hear them. This will be a good starting place for making your blended family situation work.
Your stepchildren are people in their own right and they deserve some time and attention from you. Give them the opportunity to get to know you, and spend time interacting alone. Encourage your own children to do the same with your partner, and your children with your partner’s children and so on. This can take the form of reading a story, going to a movie or the park, or with older children perhaps a shopping spree for new clothes.
If it is at all possible, try to ensure good, open and honest relationships your former spouses, and the children’s grandparents. Obviously this is a delicate situation at times, but it does ease the transition for the children. Your children and step-children will feel your negativity or lack of respect towards a natural parent as a personal slight, so take care how you present your own feelings and perceptions about former partners. Certainly ex-partners can be vested in being bitter and acrimonious but it is necessary to rise above it where you can.
Just because you have blended your family does not mean it is an amorphous mass. You need to take time to ensure your own children still feel extremely special, so occasionally you should get out with just them and spoil them rotten, or just be available to them when they need you. Encourage your partner to do the same with their children. Be equal with all children when you can be, but recognise that there will be times when this is not possible.
You should also nurture your relationship with your partner too, because at this stage the relationship is still quite new to both of you, and yet you are already experiencing stresses and challenges. Take time out so that you can remind yourself exactly why you are trying to build a future together.
You need to be in this for the long haul, so that means setting rules and boundaries, and understanding who will discipline and what form that will take. This needs to be consistent day in and day out, by both partners and for all children. Children should never be allowed to manipulate the situation and win over their parent. Any weakness will be exploited.
The more laughter, fun and play in your household, the more likely you will transition into a happy blended family. Play silly games, go to funny movies, eat silly food. Find ways to make everyone smile. Laughter is great reliever of tension and can help to unify a blended family situation. Choose activities that the whole family can join in – and be equally good (or bad) at. You don’t want one person to feel left out.
You’re working through some tough challenges so you’ll need support too, so find someone who will listen to you when you need a friendly shoulder. This can be a friend, a neighbour, a counsellor, perhaps even another parent going through the same things.
You will make mistakes, everyone does. Forgive yourself and move on. We cannot grow if we are afraid to fail. Keep striving towards your goal of a happy, well-blended family.
Created by Tom Vermeersch (bio)
Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.
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With the rise in divorce rates over the past few decades, it is no surprise that the number of blended families has increased too. Blended families are formed when two people who have children from a previous relationship come together in the same household.
There can be a great number of challenges to finding happiness for all the individuals involved, given the differing expectations in terms of rules, boundaries and cultural and social norms. So how can you ensure you find happiness in your blended family?
If you have yet to make the jump into a reconstituted family, give it some serious consideration. If you have already gone for it, take a moment to acknowledge the challenges ahead. You want everyone to get on as well as you and your partner do, of course you do, but you have chosen each other, and the children have not. Everyone will have very different expectations, and somehow you have to tread a fine line and negotiate a path that everyone is happy to travel. You and your partner need to unite, and come together to provide fair but firm leadership, but at the same time you must ensure you stick up for your children in the process.
Everyone in the family will need to pull their weight to ensure that the situation works. It is worth coming together as a family to discuss a plan of action. Consider the following, for example:
Blending a family is stressful, there is no doubt about that. You are handing some control over to someone who doesn’t know your kids as well as you do, and possibly doesn’t even like them much, let alone love them. Growing relationships take time and need to be nurtured. Given the sensitive nature of the situation, tempers will fray, but remember that arguing will get you nowhere.
If you are arguing a great deal, agree to stop. Set a time, perhaps in a café or somewhere a little more public and take time to relax and discuss things calmly and rationally. If there is too much to discuss, set up a series of discussions and just address one or two issues at each ‘meeting’. Try to avoid arguing in front of your step-children. The way you behave with your partner in front of the kids is a signpost for them. If you fall out and they don’t see you make up, they don’t know you have. They will side with their parent and you will lose out.
Be honest with your partner. What do you need? What do your children need? What is non-negotiable? Listen to your partner’s needs too. And hear them. This will be a good starting place for making your blended family situation work.
Your stepchildren are people in their own right and they deserve some time and attention from you. Give them the opportunity to get to know you, and spend time interacting alone. Encourage your own children to do the same with your partner, and your children with your partner’s children and so on. This can take the form of reading a story, going to a movie or the park, or with older children perhaps a shopping spree for new clothes.
If it is at all possible, try to ensure good, open and honest relationships your former spouses, and the children’s grandparents. Obviously this is a delicate situation at times, but it does ease the transition for the children. Your children and step-children will feel your negativity or lack of respect towards a natural parent as a personal slight, so take care how you present your own feelings and perceptions about former partners. Certainly ex-partners can be vested in being bitter and acrimonious but it is necessary to rise above it where you can.
Just because you have blended your family does not mean it is an amorphous mass. You need to take time to ensure your own children still feel extremely special, so occasionally you should get out with just them and spoil them rotten, or just be available to them when they need you. Encourage your partner to do the same with their children. Be equal with all children when you can be, but recognise that there will be times when this is not possible.
You should also nurture your relationship with your partner too, because at this stage the relationship is still quite new to both of you, and yet you are already experiencing stresses and challenges. Take time out so that you can remind yourself exactly why you are trying to build a future together.
You need to be in this for the long haul, so that means setting rules and boundaries, and understanding who will discipline and what form that will take. This needs to be consistent day in and day out, by both partners and for all children. Children should never be allowed to manipulate the situation and win over their parent. Any weakness will be exploited.
The more laughter, fun and play in your household, the more likely you will transition into a happy blended family. Play silly games, go to funny movies, eat silly food. Find ways to make everyone smile. Laughter is great reliever of tension and can help to unify a blended family situation. Choose activities that the whole family can join in – and be equally good (or bad) at. You don’t want one person to feel left out.
You’re working through some tough challenges so you’ll need support too, so find someone who will listen to you when you need a friendly shoulder. This can be a friend, a neighbour, a counsellor, perhaps even another parent going through the same things.
You will make mistakes, everyone does. Forgive yourself and move on. We cannot grow if we are afraid to fail. Keep striving towards your goal of a happy, well-blended family.
Millions of people furloughed for months are now being recalled to work. Others, who have been working from home throughout the lockdown, are returning to the office. And some jobs have simply disappeared: many people are facing redundancy and will soon have to cope with job hunting. Going back to work after an unprecedented length of time at home is quite a challenge.
You see the word "toxic" everywhere these days, but what does it really mean? You've almost certainly come across someone who fits the description. Dealing with difficult personalities can be challenging and emotionally exhausting, to say the least.
Do you sometimes despair about humanity because it seems there are far more bad people than good? Are we primarily selfish individuals, thinking only about our own needs? Or is this cynical belief just because we spend so much time online? The truth is more complicated!
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Read the complete article
Do you suffer from a disorder known as "musturbation"? This term was first coined in the 1950s by psychotherapist Albert Ellis and described the way a negative inner voice rules our minds and bludgeons us with words such as "must", "should", and "ought".
As parents, we often worry about a poor school report as much, if not more, as our kids do! And if your child's grades are slipping, you'll be looking for reasons and if there's anything you can do to help.
Nowadays, it can sometimes seem almost everyone has a mental health issue or learning disorder. But, are we too quick to label people, or is it that we are more aware of the problems? This article looks at some of the issues surrounding these sensitive questions.
Children's imaginations know no limits and their dreams are a mix of hopes and fantasies, the real and the magical, the impossible and the achievable.
Have you considered yoga? There are many advantages to practicing yoga. It is a holistic practice benefitting you physically, emotionally & mentally.
Bach Flowers are not medicinal but harmless plant extracts which are used to support health.
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Are you unsure which Bach flowers can help you? Contact Tom for free advice.
